1. Decide that the old paint job on the stove looks hideous and that it needs a new one.
2. Go to Home Depot to pick up heat-resistant appliance paint. If you have trouble deciding between white and almond, flip a coin. Best out of three.
3. On a lazy afternoon in the middle of unpacking more of your stuff, decide it's time to get around to repainting the stove.
4. Take almost no precautions in your preparations to paint. Disregard the instructions on the back of the spray paint can that say to only paint in a well-ventilated area, such as a garage. You may move the stove out of its spot so that you can get to all four sides, but you do not unplug it.
5. Cover up the handles and buttons on the stove with newspaper and athletic tape. Do not cover up anything else in the kitchen.
6. Begin spraying.
7. When your wife insists that you at least lay newspaper down around the stove, do so.
8. Resume spraying while your wife quickly covers the table and chairs with old sheets.
9. Open every window and door so you can keep on breathing, even though it's winter outside.
10. When you have finished spraypainting, there will be a sort of residual paint dust that will linger in the air in your house for hours. Simply continue breathing and - voila! Your nostril hairs will now be a lovely shade of almond.
